i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
