new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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