His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
