I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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