you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
