dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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