I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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