My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
