whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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