so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ladies don't puke and tell
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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