Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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