I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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