He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
