I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
