remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
