level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize