My Higher Power is John Stamos
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
