So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I will die if light touches me.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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