it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
