Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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