i just wanna soil my oats bro
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
