Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
