just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
