i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
