hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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