this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He passed out mid-signature
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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