I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
