dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
