Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
