So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just pee around me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
