i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
