I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
