I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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