FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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