my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Randomize
