It's Friday. Sex?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
