I think I won the penis lottery.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
