Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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