I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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