Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
