found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Randomize
