two words...techno handjob
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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