I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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