Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
