Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
