I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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