hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize