Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize