If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
