Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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