So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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