Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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