i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize