Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
