There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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