my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
