Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
